Everything's good. Really. Everything.

A sensitive reader last week lamented the negative tone of this column, so in the interests of balance, this week we will be reporting only positive news!

FIFA President Gianni Infantino has just announced that the organization's record revenue of $7.6 billion during the period 2019-2022 "is the result of our solid financial transparency and stands as a concrete example of how we are aiming to make football truly global." As if it needed to be stated that FIFA is well known for its solid financial transparency! We trust you, Mr. Infantino, to take care of that cash and distribute it in any way that you see fit, in ways that will be purely for the good of the game and mankind too.

The news gets better, though. Over the 2023-2026 period, that revenue is projected to increase to $11 billion. More money, which will mean FIFA spreading more good around the world. "The resounding success of the FIFA World Cup 2022 in Qatar has been key to the organization’s ability to fulfil its mission in relation to our member associations and the world of football," said Mr. Infantino, the greatest, noblest and most honest sports administrator in history. And, so there we go — FIFA's mission has been fulfilled. The world of football has attained 100 percent perfection and there is nothing here for critics to see.

As if cups flowing over with milk, honey and Moet Chandon were not enough, FIFA's announcement also offered juicy fresh cherries to place atop soccer's already sweet, succulent and impeccably textured cake. The first 32-team Club World Cup, which FIFA will stage in the summer of 2025, will feature teams from the following confederations: four each from the Asian Football Confederation, the Confederation of African Football, and Concacaf. Six from Conmebol, but just one from the Oceania Football Confederation. Twelve from UEFA! And one from the tournament host — yet to be announced, subject to a no doubt fair and transparent bidding process.

This is not a competition that clubs (or fans) have asked for. It's a competition that FIFA is expanding because — despite its booming revenues (see above) — it is in awe of the vast amounts of revenue generated every year by the UEFA Champions League, the biggest club competition in the world. This may explain why the FIFA Club World Cup hopes to feature a bias of European clubs. It's not about money, though, it's about spreading the global game! Just not spreading it equally. So Africa and Asia, say, get a slice of toast with a little margarine lite on it. Europe, though, gets a slice of toast dripping with butter and strawberry jam. So, more good news! (For Europe.)

In the meantime, the 2023 edition, still featuring a measly but fairly allocated seven clubs from around the world, will be hosted by Saudi Arabia in December. Here's the latest Human Rights Watch report on Saudi Arabia. The good news is that you can ignore it, because FIFA's statutes (article 3) state that “FIFA is committed to respecting all internationally recognized human rights and shall strive to promote the protection of these rights.” This can only mean all human rights have been granted equally to all of Saudi Arabia's subjects, because FIFA would never violate its own statutes. So, yet more good news — soccer really is healing the world, folks! And to cynics who say this healing is akin to placing a sticking plaster on a bullet wound, I say, "What if that sticking plaster is a miracle sticking plaster that can heal anything? Have you thought about that, you moaning naysayers?"

Especially good news too for Canada, Mexico and the USA, who at the stroke of a pen have qualified automatically as hosts of the 2026 World Cup. Congratulations! That's the competition FIFA has already voted to expand to 48 teams, a massive and already more successful number than the previous 32, and which will germinate yet more and more and more revenue until poverty is abolished everywhere. And if you're worried that we're still missing a viable format for the expanded competition, FIFA is certainly working on a solution that will absolutely be in the best interests of the game. It's what they do.

Finally, it's fantastic to see that Manchester City has re-conquered the top spot in the English Premier League. This is a club that has pulled itself up out of nothing thanks only to the merit of its on-field achievements, and that in spite of the jealous carping of inferior rivals, ravenous lawyers and pernickety administrators who try to slander the club by implying (or even providing actual evidence) that it has ignored rules on financial fair play. Good grief, this is an English club! The Abu Dhabi ownership group is clearly a front, and City is run by honorable gentlemen in tweeds who preach that spirit, purity and sporting endeavor in the bracing fresh air are the driving forces of good behind all that they do. Englishmen made the rules, for goodness sake, why on earth would they break them?

This column is brought to you by Kool-Aid. Keep on taking it.

20 comments about "Everything's good. Really. Everything.".
  1. Stan Meihaus, February 16, 2023 at 3:40 p.m.

    ROTFLOL! Can you abbreviate like that any more or is there an emoji I should be using? Good stuff Ian.

  2. Betty Lisec replied, February 17, 2023 at 11 a.m.


  3. Santiago 1314 replied, February 19, 2023 at 6:25 a.m.

    And Ian, we are so Thankful that Farcalona WAS NOT Paying Refs 7Million to throw games... Only for Match Reports but it will probably Turn Out like Politics, they ALL have "Classified" Material.!!! ... Oh, I have a Bridge in NY for Sale, if anyone is Interested.!!!

  4. Phil Love, February 16, 2023 at 3:44 p.m.

    FIFA is doing an excellent job of bringing, me, the soccer fan, everything I want!  Yes, I asked for the World Cup to be expanded so I can see the awesome dynamic soccer played by Scotland, Norway, Honduras, etc.  I also begged for enlarging the World Club Cup of which I could only be prodded to watch one game of this year's event.  FIFA has also helped give me offside decisions based on millmeters of difference of some mythical "t-shirt" lines.  Your recent column was about "What soccer wants."  FIFA knows we want all these things.  Love and kisses to FIFA.  

  5. Dan Woog, February 16, 2023 at 3:56 p.m.

    Thanks, Ian. Too bad there was not enough room to include all the great news about equity for the women's game, and how wonderfully FIFA has eliminated racism, sexism and homophobia around the planet. Well done, guys!

  6. jim broshar, February 16, 2023 at 4:37 p.m.

    Very happy to hear the new positive tone.  Keep up on your meds, Ian. 

  7. Kent James, February 16, 2023 at 5:04 p.m.

    A sensitive reader might detect a tone of sarcasm in your positive news....

  8. R2 Dad, February 16, 2023 at 6:04 p.m.

    / S
    I'd didn't know you were a big softy, Ian. Not sure there was anything to atone for.

  9. Bob Ashpole, February 16, 2023 at 8:41 p.m.

    Good article, Ian. As usual.

  10. Guy Walling, February 17, 2023 at 8:26 a.m.

    Money is the root to all evil, at least when it's in the billions! FIFA not only is above the law, they are the law! 

  11. Santiago 1314 replied, February 19, 2023 at 6:29 a.m.

    "LOVE" of Money... Just a Minor Correction from Your Pastor Santiago... But, Who doesn't Love Some Money.!?!?!?... At Least Once In Awhile... Lord Forgive Me.!!! ... We are All Sinners and have Fallen Short.!!!

  12. Greedy Striker, February 17, 2023 at 8:28 a.m.

    Can't wait to see the $11 billion plan FIFA implements for the expanded World Cup!

  13. Flo Dyson, February 17, 2023 at 9:50 a.m.

    Keep up the good work! B

  14. Kevin White, February 17, 2023 at 9:54 a.m.

    Tho being persnickety, it is spelled "persnickety"

  15. Nicholas Concilio replied, February 17, 2023 at 1:32 p.m.

    Pernickety is the British usage/spelling.  Pedantry is a double-edged sword!

  16. Matthew Shaddock, February 17, 2023 at 2:40 p.m.

    Is have to agree with the reader whose comments must have inspired this article. I do usually skip Ian's articles because they are decidedly bitter. My mental image is of an old man on the front porch shaking his stick. I guess the world gets all sorts of opinions, so his is a valid one. But I choose to lol for the beauty in the game, amongst the bad news that ineviatably follows it. The sarcastic tone of this article was a bit much for me but I get what he's getting at. eso shakin' that stick, and I'll keep finding beauty! 

  17. Matthew Shaddock replied, February 17, 2023 at 2:41 p.m.

    I guess there is no edit button so my iPhones unfortunate revisions will remain as typos for eternity! 

  18. Santiago 1314 replied, February 19, 2023 at 6:33 a.m.

    Imagine what Ian is going to be like when He Actually gets Old.!!!
    The Paul Gardner "Space" will be in Good Hands.!!!

  19. Mike Prosser, February 17, 2023 at 4:42 p.m.

    Ok where is the good news? 


  20. Thomas Freker, February 18, 2023 at 2:25 p.m.

    Great article Ian. (love sarcasm)  Keep em coming. 

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