- The Last Amateur and Other Stories By Ian Plenderleith (Halcyon Publishing, 2025)
The arrangement of our household book collection falls well short of alphabetical or chronological, but there is some order to the shelves.
Non-fiction is separated from fiction. Soccer has its own section, as do the short-story volumes.
The short-story shelves get my most visits because I enjoy rereading so many of them. I return to the Norton Anthologies from my school days to the stories that first showed me reading could be fun. Thanks to James Thurber, Saki, Shirley Jackson, Kurt Vonnegut, O. Henry, et al. Or often between novels, I revisit those from writers I discovered in adulthood, like Richard Yates, Amy Hempel and Raymond Carver.
My short-story book collection includes two soccer writers. Brian Glanville, who was a prolific fiction writer in addition to his famous soccer journalism, and Ian Plenderleith.
Before Plenderleith wrote for Soccer America and we became friends, I relished “For Whom The Ball Rolls,” his first collection of soccer-themed short stories.
In “The Man in Mascot,” Jacob’s romantic relationship with Sabina is sparked with a bar hook-up during which she pegged him as a pro soccer player because he described his career as: “Every Saturday I take the pitch with East Park …”
Jacob is actually Topsy the Toucan. How the charade is maintained and the inside-the-costume tales of mascot work blend empathy and comedy. Those two ingredients — and all the others required to deliver the magic of the short story — return vigorously in Plenderleith’s “The Last Amateur,” which was published in September.
I’m certain one needn’t be a soccer person to enjoy “The Last Amateur.” But soccer-minded readers have the bonus of relating to soccer themes that range from the grassroots to the multi-billionaire dollar industry. They’re impressively delivered from an array of perspectives — players, coaches, parents, fans, agents, owners and marketers.
The title story is a delightful fantasy about Scotland’s greatest player ever who turns down all offers because he prefers playing for his village team. The legend of Jackie McMurray is told by a stadium pot pie vendor in such manner that suspending disbelief comes easy.
In “Cold Balls,” Ewen Barr is a retired journeyman defender with two national team caps who still holds the Scottish domestic record for most yellow and red cards. His income is limited to three or four annual speaking engagements, at “a few hundred quid” a pop, after failing as a coach:
“Couldn’t discipline players for drinking when I’d done it my whole career. My teams were as filthy and uncultivated as I’d been for 15 years as a dirty pro, and about as successful. Fired by Forfar, sacked in Stranraer, dismissed in Dumbarton.”
Ewen can’t decline when his agent Jocky Hogg presents a 5,000-grand gig to pull lots at the televised Cup semifinal draw ceremony. Of course, there’s a catch — a fix to ensure a lucrative final between the two most popular clubs:
“First take out one of the cold balls. Then take out the second cold ball. Then the warm balls third and fourth.”
Plenderleith’s 2014 book, “Rock ‘n’ Roll Soccer,” is an unmatched, thorough, entertaining and enlightening account of the NASL — its role in American soccer’s evolution and its underappreciated influence on the global game.
So it’s no surprise that a writer with such reporting acumen neatly intertwines in his fiction the soccer world’s real issues, such as the ever-increasing impact of the profit quest.
In “Fritz Cullen vs Chutzpah Fried Chicken,” a renowned broadcaster frustrates his employers by failing to plug sponsors, which leads to comical scenarios. In “We Can’t Support You Evermore,” young Kyle wants to climb the business world’s ladder until he’s faced with betraying the club he’s supported since childhood. The billionaire’s venture in “The Ropewalk Revival” resembles countless real-life cases around the globe.
“Managing Kids” will have coaches pulling for the old school manager who benches his millionaire stars.
Beers at the pub after Sunday league ball sets the scene for “Bullet and his Redhead Warrior.” The post-game gatherings evoke those we’ve been part of, at least (hopefully) until partners, pranks and politics intervene.
In “Throw-in,” Andy is a longtime season-ticker holder. Now a father, his two children have no interest in soccer. The pals who once accompanied him prefer to watch on TV. Now Andy hugs and high-fives with strangers. During this game, in his seat near the touchline, he starts receiving texts (“You’ve been on the telly, mate!!!!)” But he can’t comprehend why his phone won’t stop pinging (“You’re going viral!!!!).
At his postgame pub stop — on the big screen and all the smaller screens — his image appears, maniacally gesturing and brutally cursing the linesman after a throw-in call: “I’m arguing the case for something that hasn’t happened, in front of millions of viewers around the world.” Then he goes home to face his wife, sister-in-law and children, who’ve all seen the footage.
The stories are set in Britain, besides the “The Cinder Park Refugees.” It features a multi-ethnic pickup game in Germany — the kind common here in the USA and so fascinating for any of us who’ve played along. Troubling prejudice propels that story, but it soars with tenderness. That quality also makes “The Winner” so poignant. It’s about the daily visits of a dementia-afflicted ex-player to his former teammate.
“The Winner” too has what to me often marks the best short stories — well-timed humor. It’s Plenderleith’s mastering of that — plus engaging characters, intriguing plots and punchy yet plausible dialogue — why “The Last Amateur” isn’t just a book of great soccer stories.
It’s first-rate short fiction with soccer woven in.
- The Last Amateur and Other Stories By Ian Plenderleith, 254 pages (Halcyon Publishing, 2025). Available in Paperback.
